KB Goes for the Gold

I don't know how cope with the idea of losing my mom.  Of losing her before she's physically gone.  It's been almost one year since she was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's.  Before we knew better my brother and I would joke about it. "Mom's just forgetful, maybe it's Alzheimer's" -- because of course our mom wouldn't be affected.  She'd be fine.  It couldn't happen to us.  No one wanted to admit out loud that perhaps she really was sick, that perhaps she really did have the disease.  Alzheimer's happened to other people, not us.  And our mom was too young to have a disease that ravaged the elderly.

Tonight I attended a final dress fitting for my best friend.  I'm the maid of honor and I needed to become familiar with where all the hooks, snaps, and buttons on her dress were.  As we walked through David's Bridal I caught a glimpse of a mother-daughter pair sitting outside a fitting room.  The other daughter had just slipped back into the fitting room after finding The Dress she would walk down the aisle in.  I watched the mother sitting there sniffling and crying a little at how beautiful her daughter looked and I couldn't help but think ahead to when I would be searching for my dress.  Of how my mother might not be there to see me try it on or of how she might not realize what's going on.  

My mom forgot my birth date this year.  I haven't told anyone, it's not really something you slip into conversation.  When we talked on the phone the day before my birthday she asked if it was soon or if she'd missed it.  Would she have remembered it was even close to my birthday if my dad hadn't mentioned it right before my mom and I spoke?  I hope so but the doubt is still there.  I don't know how to get rid of my doubt.  Of my fear.  

I know I'm not alone in my fear but I don't know how to cope.  I don't know who to talk to, who to turn to.